Letters
While I was cleaning my room today, I found some letters I wrote to my friends a few years ago.Some were for my ex-boy friend, and some were for my friends who lived far from Japan. I was just telling them about my feeling and my current life, and trying to get to know their life and catch up with their life, even though I was so away from them that I couldn't even know when I could be able to see them next time.
In the letter, I was talking to them just like how I did to them while I was living close to them and easily got to see them anytime I wanted.
As I read what I wrote, I became very amazed by seeing how honest and inocent I was.
I was trying to explain what I did and how I felt, and also expressed my fear of not being with them and being left alone in Japan. I could see that I was having a hard time to deal with this "missing" feeling by myself, and also I could understand why I didn't send this letter and kept in my drawer.
It's because I knew that I was just an emotional childish lonely girl, and I was kind of feeling ashamed of it, I guess. And I didn't have enough nerve to struggle to make my friends to feel sympathy to me, even though I wanted them to think about me and care about me so bad.
I have this kind of experiences many times. And everytime I encountered this kind of situation, I have pretended that I am ok by myself, but in fact, I always wanted someone to care about me. See how childish I was! And I'm still having a same problem.
At least, now I can manage this loneliness more easily than I used to be.
Now that I'm a bit (only a bit) matured, I have been skilled to kind of "give up" expecting someone who is away from me to care about me.
This might be sad to be skilled like that, but that's how my heart has been trained.
Now it's easy for me to persuade myself that I can not emotionaly depend of someone who can not be with me right next to me, because distance matters a lot.
No matter how much I care for people, they are away and naturally our relationship gets faded away little by little.
We could be still good friends, but now the life of each other is so different and it's pretty hard to share same value or feeling, just because we are away.
Distance doesn't change how I feel to other people, but it does change how close I can feel to and how deep I can rely on.
I know that human being naturally feel more close to someone who exists right next to you.
You can not preserve only your past time, because your life exists only now.
No matter how happy you were in the past, no matter how sad you were in the past, you can just live your current life and you must find a way to survive your current life.
Time chains to past and future, but you can only feel "now".
So I have to be happy right now. I can not only look back the past or expect a better future. I know this is really tough thing to do. I don't even know if I can be strong enough to live like that.
But at least... I wanna be selfish to think about my current happiness.
I guess everyone has a right to do that.
posted by junkoba @ 11:42 PM
1 Comments:
I understand what you mean, sometimes people are far away and even though you knew them before and felt so close, when you are far away you forget and these people become only close in memory...it's sad but it's life. But the happy thing is when you spend time with these people again you become close again.
I think of life as solid, liquid and gas, I change frome these forms according to my environment. People who are next to me and close are the "solid" people, people who were close but are not next to me are "liquid" people. People who are my friends but I don't have chance to discuss their lives deeply or understand them are "gas" people.
And I turn from solid to liquid to gas depending on time and space. I wish I can always be "solid" with my friends, but I am learning too that it's not too bad to become gas and then suddenly turn into liquid when you chat.
Haha this is such a long comment. This is totally influenced by seeing my university friends last night, I haven't seen them for half a year but boom we suddenly became solid just like that, and I loved the chemicals!
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